last year i began putting up "post-it wall art" throughout my condo.- and No, it did not come from watching Being Mary Jane on tv. lol. I started writing random notes and one word posts to remind me of who I am. One in particular kinda sticks out like a sore thumb. It reads "I Choose Single". and Ill be honest. i didn't totally understand why i wrote it but i put it up anyway, and occasionally i would find myself scrunching my face at it and debating if i should take it down. because seriously...what does that even mean? "Choosing single" and I questioned that post it- did having it mean i was blocking opportunity for realtionship?
i never really liked being single. Never. it was just another thing that made me different. another thing that separated me, another thing that made me unable to relate to others and their relationship stories. Being single has been that one thing that makes Other people question- to my face-
"whats wrong with you? what are You doing that has you not be in relationships?...you're the common denominator, you know."
and overtime i began to believe that something WAS wrong with me. I'd be a billionaire if i got a penny for every time i questioned what was wrong.. with..me... Why was it that a guy i was in to didn't want me enough to be in a committed relationship with me.
Nothing is wrong with me and thats not even what i aimed to tackle by putting up that post-it. but what i thought was- Hey, i never chose to be single..why don't i try to discover and embrace what being "single" Really means. i had always let external things like tv define it for me. i wanted & needed to define it for myself. and i needed to make peace with it. because in some indirect way rejecting being single was rejecting parts of me. and for as far as i can remember I've been in a constant conflict with myself about it. its made me miserable, jealous, angry and bitter.
I was tired of feeling that way, tired of feeling awful. and now that I've had that note up for over a year now. i realized something AMAZING this weekend. For the first time EVERI'm embracing SINGLE...for the first time I'm not wishing I was on the other side, & I'm not using my status to spite the men who have left me. For the first time i don't feel that awful sometimes paralyzing sinking in my stomach when I think about going to an outing without a boo. For once, I'm not even questioning God why this is so and when it will be over.
I'm wearing Single as a badge of courage instead of it indicating that I'm a victim of past failed relationships. Its now a symbol that out of all the dumb shit I've been through I can stand real tall and say "I made it through that dumb shit...I lived to tell about it. and i Love where i am right now- in this moment"
...Ive still got growing to do in this department. but its good to finally look at that post-it and not make a ugly face at it.
it feels good to Embrace More of me.
#SolarPowered
~Lynn
