2 years ago grief brought me to the floor and I was forced to face it. I'm not sure how to write about the transitions that caused it. A Huge part of me wants to sum these stories up all in one paragraph but I know that my story deserves more attention and acknowledgement.... so I'll start with one...
I had been seeing a guy I felt I absolutely loved. I loved him more than I thought I could ever love someone. But we were not officially dating...we were "hanging out"- a lot. Going through the motions of relationship but he was "not ready". Typical story right?...I was hopeful. and often I would think "today might be the day he asks me to be his girlfriend." Of course, he said all the right things when I questioned him about our status and over time, I became amazed and proud that he and I lasted for 1.5 years- longer than any situation I had since 2003.
I trusted him and I was committed. (yup just me). I was the only one committed to having us work. When I met him I was content with my singleness for the first time ever. I had found peace with who I was, was joyful for no reason and I was I was open to dating and meeting "the one". Now, I was by no means looking for anyone, but when we met, I felt butterflies in my stomach, sparks in my veins, and i saw those emoji hears floating in my corneas- blocking my damn view.
So a year and a half later, despite noticing things felt "different" between us and at times he seemed to be distant, he always came back to "normal" after a couple days and I thought... "#shrug that's relationship. we gon' get through it cuz we get through anything". I remember it was a Wednesday and I was at work thinking about him, as usual, and I decided to call him. I needed to tell him what was on my heart...and then my heart dipped to the pit of my stomach- that tell-tell sign saying "Once you tell him, you have to also be prepared that he may not feel the same. You have to be prepared that this could also be the end of us".
I know you have already guessed what happened next. He brushed me off. We were supposed to go to dinner the next day and I never heard from him again. I was sick and worried about him because he didn't answer my calls or texts. He was alive and well on social media though. Such a blow to my heart!
And even though my SolarPower had been slightly diminished during the few months prior- this particular day began my season of grief. I entered in the worst storm I had ever been in. See, our lives had become so intertwined. We talked multiple times a day, were out and about and affectionate in PUBLIC, went on dates or spent time together 2-3 times a week, had met some of each others family members and helped each other grow our dreams. I thought I was finally in a great relationship and it felt good to know that I could experience love again. I was proud that I could create relationship with someone that I actually enjoyed being with and the feeling be returned. But it wasn't my "happily ever after."
That phone call would be our last and that hurt to my core. Not only had I trusted him, I trusted God and I thought what I wanted was what God was gifting me. When it wasn't, I began to distrust God, my feelings, my intuition, my ability to make good choices for myself, my self worth, my purpose... my Whole Existence was Shattered. I didn't understand what I had done wrong, why God would allow me to give so much of myself to this guy nor why He had snatched him out of my life without giving my heart enough warning. Once again I was feeling that I had failed at another relationship and that maybe I was unworthy of ever having one that was loving and committed.
Since I never knew how to process grief, all my power fell in the hands of my emotions. I entered into the darkest and scariest time in my life that lasted WAY longer than I wanted it to. I'm now on the "better side of happy" but I'm still dealing with the remnants of hurt. There's still a slight heart pull at the mention of his name and the memories of him that occasionally wander through my mind are painful too. To be reminded that I could feel so much hurt for someone that I loved so deeply is hard to process.
I've still come a really long way. My journey to healing & wholeness has become monumental to my SolarPowered story. Its caused me to gradually walk in to what it Really means to be the Super Lynn Solar that I created myself to be. The #SolarPowered Me made it out ALIVE through a very rough season in my life. I've evolved into someone stronger and greater and I'm proud of myself for it.
I will turn the pain into wonderful music. The songs will help women like me get through their own journeys powerfully too.
#SolarPowered
~Lynn
