I find myself reflecting on the idea of "not-enoughness" and I wonder, does it ever go away?
Way back when I wrote my single I Am Enough, I hadn't intended on releasing it. I didnt even think about it as being "good" and I certainly didn't want anyone to know or think that I didn't feel "good enough". I didn't want them to believe that story with/for me. But when one of my mentors heard the song, his reaction was shocking to me. He said "WOW! This is it! You have to record this! This is something people can relate to."
I pushed through my awkwardness to embrace this song, and it became an anthem for me. I sang it to myself whenever I felt anxiety. Gradually I would start to really believe that I was enough. Enough to pursue a career in music, to change careers after I just received a Masters degree in Education, that I was enough to do anything I wanted no matter how off course it sounded.
I thought that soon, I wouldn't ever have those feelings of not being enough. That hasn't been true yet and I wrote the song way back in 2013. This certainly isn't the post I intended to write you today. Although I had some really good victories this week, I struggled in this area of Enough.
I didn't have enough: money to pay the bills/self care/groceries/ and pay down my credit card, energy to work on my performance goals after working my 9-5 with sciatica pain, and I didnt have any performance videos "good enough" to submit for performance opportunities...the list goes on. "That's why you aren't where you want to be..." (to myself)
I happened to have a conversation with my coworker, getting suggestions on some music things and I felt myself feeling bad. I said..."It's not that I haven't tried these things. My past attempts were unsuccessful. It just is what it is." Then that lead to feelings of rejection. I thought about what I haven't accomplished that seemed easy for me to do but hasn't been...my past issues started flooding in. "Why didn't those things happen? Why didn't they respond? Where did I go wrong? How do I "fix" it? and am I still in the same place??"
So I plan to do some positive emotional work asap cuz I've got big plans and I don't ever want this theme to get in the way of my success. My story is about overcoming. I know I did the best I could this week despite my negative thoughts. I truly look forward to the day when those thoughts are very minimal.
I don't have the answers yet.
What do you think? Does "not-enoughness" ever go away?
Leave your thoughts below.